Hey Akash, how are you doing?
I see that you desperately keep trying to get rid of your bad coping mechanisms but seem to fail miserably. You know, you don't have to be so harsh on yourself over it. Put the gun down. Being harsh perpetuates the cycle that you seem to want to get out of. You gotta realize that these coping mechanisms, however bad it may seem, served a very real purpose for you. You can't just wake up one day instantly get rid of it cause you no longer like/need it. You gotta be gentler, sit with them, and slowly cultivate better coping mechanisms. But they can never come from the place of hate, they should come from the place of love.
Have a lovely evening my friend,
<br/>
Akash